Where's Normal?

Searching for what is normal and what is not. Lost the moment to stay normal when I signed up, normal seemed to be an illusion on a sliding scale, felt like I was living and still am in the movie Catch 22. So what is normal anyway an why do we look for it?

I am scratching my head because I can't really remember normal other than when I was a kid and relied on the old man to feed and take care of me. So why do I feel as if I am missing something? Why does the world see things so differently than me?

There are sometimes more disfunctional days than functional ones some months. I almost dread hearing bad or sad news these days, it scratches the surface of so many scars, not to the point of bleeding, that might actually bring relief, but to the point of the pain threshold is what I am talking about.

I sometimes wake more exhausted from the battles I fought in my sleep than when I went to bed. Been needing to nap in the afternoon more as of late, swelling is back as well, so putting pressure on the bad valve isn't helping and scares the crap out of me that I am going to be told to prepare for surgery or worse yet be wheeled in after dropping over from a heart attack.

Why is it people who can never have kids or never had kids love to be around them, never loosing the desire to father one. But those that have them seem to resent others who have more than two. I grew up in a large family of 10, glad my dad an mom put up with all the snotting insults and butt heads to have us.

As screwed up as my mind gets, what is with some people? Where is the sense of anything, some are so self centered that they could never understand the pain and misery of those living in other country's so less fortunate, we will waste more in a lifetime than they will ever have in a lifetime.

I wonder how much longer till we slide totally into anarchy? And then how much longer till someone cooks off the big one and starts a chain reaction of life ending actions for life as everyone knows it? Better yet will God allow it?

Normal for me at least exists somewhere between the clouds and and stars. I watch them appear and disappear each day. Some day will be my last, but not today....

Normal left with the little boy, lost along the paths of the wilderness on my path to maturity. Not sure what replaced it, maybe a healthy dose of doubt and fear, some hope and joy thrown in for equal measure. I've come to the conclusion there is no more normal to be found, at least for me there isn't, each day is an adventure and challenge.